Tue Jan 20 18:05:41 PST 1998

I got hurt again. Again! I guess I didn't expect it, even though I was afraid of it the whole time. I shouldn't have thought I was immune, though... I don't think I really understood what happened with Victoria. I idolized her, and I decided I would give everything I had to her, and look what happened. At first she accepted, but then things changed and I was left committed with no outlet. It's taken me five years to understand that.

It's happened again, hasn't it? Except this time the woman I raised on a pedestal didn't exactly accept. I committed without any certain indication of reciprocity, and then the path changed suddenly and violently. It doesn't even really matter what happened, because it could have failed for any reason and I'd feel just as lost and scattered.

I suppose I have to face the fact that it's a habit. I fight a losing battle against loneliness until I meet someone who I think maybe, just maybe, I could fall in love with and then I bet every penny I have on that love. So far I've lost that bet.

It will probably never work. And that's hard to accept, don't you think? The time I want most to spill my guts to someone is the time I think I might have to be most restrained. I have to learn to protect myself, or at least not to hate myself when I find out I have to keep my feelings inside.

What am I supposed to do? I seem to have two patterns; I date someone I like, and subsequently I lose interest, or I pour out everything I have to someone I'm thoroughly infatuated with, and I get maimed. Is there a middle ground, or should I wait until I find someone who pours back?

I'm at my best when I feel strongly . That's when I'm the most creative and confident, as well as the most vulnerable. I don't think I should try to suppress that. I believe I should explore those feelings, and try to bring that part of myself out to be present at all times of the day.

I turned twenty-seven last November. I'm not old, but I'm getting pretty set in my ways. Am I going to be a lonely engineer my whole life? I love writing, and I love playing music, but I'm not spectacular at either. I'm a pretty good engineer, but I'm not crazy about it. What if I die and regret the poems and love songs and murder mysteries I didn't write?

I feel a major turning point coming up. I begin to wonder if this last heartache is a wake-up call. I can't concentrate on work, but I feel like writing all the time. Is this my moment to quit and return to school and learn to write? Or go part-time, practice guitar until my fingertips bleed, and try to make it as a musician?

I'm afraid I feel this way because I hate myself a little right now, and maybe I'm making myself doubt the fundamental decisions I've made in my life. But what if this is an opportunity to learn something really important about myself?

I'm faced with a wonderful and painful growing awareness of my own life. I'm starting to see deficiencies of which I wasn't previously aware. I can't dance, can't cook, can't express my feelings in person when it really counts, and I don't really know how to be social.

Einstein said that he was only able to ask interesting questions about the nature of light because he was a late bloomer and only really learned the basics when he was more mature, when he was able to ask intelligent questions about it. I feel like I'm finally learning what most people understood as little children. If this time is my chance to ask interesting questions about my life, should I focus on that?

I'm considering taking a month off this year. I would visit all my friends and family around the country. I'd write every day. I'd ask people how they grew up, and what they learned was important to them. I'd figure out how much it would cost me to go back to school, and I'd listen to my heart.

I used to call myself the "Minimal Energy Man," because I would always take the path of least resistance. Maybe now is the time to shake that inertia and find out what it means to be me.